A client told me about her married daughter who is in a financially dysfunctional marriage. The young couple finds it hard to make ends meet, and often applies for help from charitable organizations. Yet despite their lack of funds, they still live a fairly extravagant lifestyle. Occasionally, the daughter asks her mother for money, but the mother refuses. My client realizes that she doesn’t have the means to bail them out – and even if she did, they would never learn to stand on their own two feet. Teaching financial responsibility is one of the toughest lessons a parent faces.
Close the Parental Bank Saying no to a child in fiscal trouble is difficult. I know many parents who support an adult child still living at home, or married children who can’t quite make the month. These parents tell me, “What can I do? They’ll starve without my help!” Sadly, these well-intentioned parents don’t realize that rather than helping their children become financially independent, they are perpetuating the situation. Acting as the Parental Bank on a regular basis doesn’t give children any incentive to become financially independent. Why should they live within a budget, if they know their parents will bail them out?
Let go of your child’s hand When a toddler learns to walk, you have to let go of his hand, even though you know there’s a high chance that he’ll fall and skin his knee. Similarly, when adult children ask you for help after they’ve failed financially, don’t automatically write a check. Offer them your sympathy and explain to them the necessity of budgeting and planning their finances. Give them the number of a budget counselor or financial advisor and let them know you are interested in encouraging them to become financially stable.
Never help my children? This article is not meant to say never help out. Rather, make sure you understand the difference between helping your kids get a start in life with a gift for education or buying a home versus enabling them live beyond their means.
For more about what your children should know about money, read this.
Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, is the Director of Profile Investment Service, Ltd., which specializes in helping people who live in Israel with their US dollar assets and American investment and retirement accounts. He helps olim meet their financial goals through asset allocation, financial planning, and using money managers.
Published March 14, 2016.